Making love with a transgender person

It was recently brought up in a conversation with a friend that there really isn’t much information out there for partners dealing with certain aspects of transition. I have been coaching some trans guys and their partners on just this subject. One question I have been asked several times by partners, girlfriends or boyfriends of transgendered people is “How do I make love to my transgendered lover in a way that makes them comfortable and a way that makes them feel loved?”.  First of all, if you are having sex with (or thinking of having sex with a transgendered person) one very important thing like the use of the correct pronoun will make that person feel more comfortable. How you refer to the person’s body parts is the same way.  Most transgendered guys do not have bottom surgery because it is not that good and you could loose feeling.  Therefor we are guys who technically still have a vagina but I,certainly, and most of us don’t want you to call it that and after being on testosterone for a while believe me it is not the same.  Each individual is different in how they want you to address their genitals. So as with pronouns; when in any doubt- ask.  This is one way to make your transgendered lover feel more comfortable and that you understand them.  Some transgendered people are very uncomfortable with their bodies the way they are now, helping them feel that you see them the way they see themselves, and want the world to see them, will open them up to you and help them feel understood.
Sex does change on hormone therapy, even for partners that have been together a long time.  For transmen your clitoris become much larger and much more sensitive.  It also gets very hard and reacts very similar to a penis.  The sex drive for transmen increases and for transwomen usually decreases.  These are general things that can help, but when making love to anyone communication is the most important part of being a good lover!  Don’t be afraid. Even if it makes your trangendered lover a little uncomfortable at first- TALK about it.  Everyone wants a lover that cares enough to find out want they want and like and what drives them wild.  Everyone wants a lover that is sensitive to how they receive love.
So– HOW do you bring this topic up in conversation? If a potential lover approached me I would want them to say something like “I want to make love to you in a way that makes you comfortable. How can I do that for you?” It is important to me that my partner tell me that they love my body and want to learn my language. Everyone has “trigger” words they don’t like. For example; some women (straight, gay, or trans) don’t like the word “cunt”. Other women are totally fine with it. It is all a matter of learning your lover. Some people try to have sex the same way with every partner. As if they run on auto-pilot. This is ridiculous, and won’t help anyone enjoy themselves. Taking time, and making an effort are the keys to creating the right environment to have amazing sex. Even though these intial conversations are uncomfortable to have at times; when a lover cares enough to ask these questions- at least for me- it means a great deal.  Whoever you are making love to- make the effort to learn them. Ask the questions. Study your lover. Now get out there and make some GOOD lovin’!